We had just eaten a delicious meal at The Inn at Biltmore’s restaurant and decided to take a walk around the beautiful grounds – and that’s where we took the selfie.
We were laughing so hard, and another couple came up and asked if they could take the photo for us. We said we were all set and they said, “Well, it sure does look much more fun the way you’re doing it!”
You may remember that a few weeks ago I talked about Evelyn Resh’s phenomenal book, Women, Sex, Power and Pleasure. In it Evelyn talks about how she and her partner practice what she calls 6×36 – that means every 6 weeks she and her partner get away for 36 hours.
I didn’t feel that Doug and I could take off every 6 weeks, but I did commit to us getting away every 12 weeks. Before last weekend’s trip I thought of all the reasons we were too busy and it was too inconvenient to take even a night away, but I’m so glad we did. It really reaffirmed for me the importance and value of getting away for some focused one-on-one bliss.
I hope you will make your own commitment to couples time – or if you’re not currently partnered, just time away from your usual schedule to focus on pleasuring YOU.
The basic, and extremely powerful, premise of Evelyn Resh’s fabulous book, Women, Sex, Power and Pleasure: Getting the Life (and Sex) You Want is:
Emotional Wellness = Powerful Living
= Increased Interest and Access to All Pleasures
From reading Evelyn’s book I’ve learned to look at pleasure as a “super power” and believe, like she does, that focusing on pleasure will positively impact all areas of a woman’s life.
I really want to bring home how it’s not selfish to make this a priority, and how, in fact, everything (like our kids, our marriages, our work in the world) will benefit when you do.
I was inspired to create my own “Pleasure Play List” – a list of the daily, weekly, monthly, and quarterly activities I’m committing to in order to make sure that pleasure is a priority in my life.
One of the quarterly activities was setting aside a weekend for Doug and me to get away from our son and our myriad work and household responsibilities to focus solely on each other, and on pleasure.
I can imagine Doug cringing as I write this. And I don’t think he’s the only husband (or wife, for that matter) who would do so when his name got mentioned in public in this context. So, yes, sex is still a taboo subject and we have a lot of work to do before it’s embraced as a fun and easy way to improve health and happiness.
And here’s the thing: You don’t even need a partner to enjoy it! As Woody Allen said in the movie Annie Hall, “Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”
Many of the women I talk to in my coaching practice have trouble making time for sex. I mean, with work and kids and household duties, how is it possible?
But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have sex. It means that we need to make it a priority – like eating well and getting exercise. Don’t believe it’s that important? Studies show that the benefits of sex are at least ten-fold: sex relieves stress, boosts immunity and self-esteem, improves cardiovascular health and intimacy, reduces pain and prostate cancer risk, helps you maintain a healthy weight and sleep better, and strengthens pelvic floor muscles (reducing the risk of incontinence).
Okay, so I’ve convinced you that sex is important, but how are you going to fit it into your already-packed schedule and actually feel like getting it on?
Here are My Six Tips for Hot Sex:
1) Make time for sex.
Remember that song Afternoon Delight by the Starland Vocal Band? “Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto’s always been; when it’s right, it’s right.” Well that’s my motto, too.
My son has a standing play date at a friend’s house on Saturdays and that’s the time when my husband and I get our sky rockets in flight.
The weekend-away-every-quarter is a new and very valuable addition to make sure we have time to feel really relaxed and connected – which, of course, makes the sex extra hot.
2) Figure out what makes you feel hot and ask for it.
I can take off my clothes and my husband is ready to go. But I need what I call fore-foreplay. I want to feel like I’m wanted for more than my body, and I’ve found that when I set aside time before bed to talk with my husband about something I’m working on, or have him read something I’ve written and comment on it, I feel seen, heard and valued. And there’s nothing hotter than that.
When we’re in bed, my husband and I talk about what feels good and what doesn’t. We’ve learned that we don’t want to waste time fumbling around. The fact is, what felt amazing last week may not this week. We both appreciate a lot of direction and, again, nothing’s hotter than asking for what you want and getting it.
3) Use Zestra.
Zestra is a blend of botanical oils and extracts, like borage seed oil, evening primrose oil, and angelica extract. When topically applied Zestra works within minutes by heightening your sensitivity to touch. You apply it to the clitoris and labia, and the effects begin within 3 to 5 minutes and last for up to 45 minutes. You can find it in any CVS store (sometimes with the condoms, other times with “feminine products” like yeast medicine. Don’t ask anyone in the store – they never know – just look in those two places.). You can also get a free sample by clicking here.
4) Experiment with Toys.
Have you seen the episode of Sex and the City when Miranda introduces her friends to a vibrator named “The Rabbit”? The normally prudish Charlotte initially resists but ultimately succumbs to its charms and her friends eventually stage an intervention to get her out of her bed and into society again.
Toys really can be fun, but they can also set up unrealistic expectations, too. Use with caution or you too may find yourself in this situation:
(Carrie and Charlotte are stretching together in yoga class)
Carrie: (voiceover) My Zen teacher once told me that there was nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind. Just as I had reached the moment of no thought…
Charlotte: (whispering) I think I broke my vagina.
Carrie: Oh sorry, am I pulling too hard?
Charlotte: No, metaphorically, I mean. With “The Rabbit.”
5) Read Erotica.
I love well-written woman-centric erotica for getting in the mood. Here are some of my favorite titles: Five Minute Erotica (edited by Carol Queen), Best Women’s Erotica and Sweet Life (both edited by Violet Blue). These are smart, sexy, and fun stories that are guaranteed to jump-start your libido, whether you share them with your lover or keep them your sly little secret.
6) Create a Sex Playlist.
Music is a tried-and-true aphrodisiac. Who hasn’t felt a little groovy after listening to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye? Some of my other favorites are “PYT” by Michael Jackson, “Home (This Must Be the Place)” by the Talking Heads, and “The Way I Are” by Timbaland.
If you try all of the above and you still don’t feel like hopping in the sack, you may have an issue with arousal that’s caused by any number of issues (chronic stress and hormone imbalance are two that come to mind).
Sex is too important to your health and happiness to dismiss, and there are plenty of professionals who can help, from a therapist to a health care provider.
Call in the cavalry if you have to, but you shouldn’t go another day thinking it’s “just sex” and not a big deal. So – what are you waiting for? You’re hot. Go get your sky rockets in flight.
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