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A Busy Mom’s Guide to GREAT Sex

Stacey and Doug, couples retreatThe photo to the right shows Doug and me enjoying a fun moment during his special birthday weekend getaway at the Biltmore Estate.

We had just eaten a delicious meal at The Inn at Biltmore’s restaurant and decided to take a walk around the beautiful grounds – and that’s where we took the selfie.

We were laughing so hard, and another couple came up and asked if they could take the photo for us. We said we were all set and they said, “Well, it sure does look much more fun the way you’re doing it!”

You may remember that a few weeks ago I talked about Evelyn Resh’s phenomenal book, Women, Sex, Power and Pleasure. In it Evelyn talks about how she and her partner practice what she calls 6×36 – that means every 6 weeks she and her partner get away for 36 hours.

I didn’t feel that Doug and I could take off every 6 weeks, but I did commit to us getting away every 12 weeks. Before last weekend’s trip I thought of all the reasons we were too busy and it was too inconvenient to take even a night away, but I’m so glad we did. It really reaffirmed for me the importance and value of getting away for some focused one-on-one bliss.

I hope you will make your own commitment to couples time – or if you’re not currently partnered, just time away from your usual schedule to focus on pleasuring YOU.

The basic, and extremely powerful, premise of Evelyn Resh’s fabulous book, Women, Sex, Power and Pleasure: Getting the Life (and Sex) You Want is:

Emotional Wellness = Powerful Living
= Increased Interest and Access to All Pleasures

From reading Evelyn’s book I’ve learned to look at pleasure as a “super power” and believe, like she does, that focusing on pleasure will positively impact all areas of a woman’s life.

I really want to bring home how it’s not selfish to make this a priority, and how, in fact, everything (like our kids, our marriages, our work in the world) will benefit when you do.

I was inspired to create my own “Pleasure Play List” – a list of the daily, weekly, monthly, and quarterly activities I’m committing to in order to make sure that pleasure is a priority in my life.

One of the quarterly activities was setting aside a weekend for Doug and me to get away from our son and our myriad work and household responsibilities to focus solely on each other, and on pleasure.

I can imagine Doug cringing as I write this. And I don’t think he’s the only husband (or wife, for that matter) who would do so when his name got mentioned in public in this context. So, yes, sex is still a taboo subject and we have a lot of work to do before it’s embraced as a fun and easy way to improve health and happiness.

And here’s the thing: You don’t even need a partner to enjoy it! As Woody Allen said in the movie Annie Hall, “Hey, don’t knock masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love.”

Many of the women I talk to in my coaching practice have trouble making time for sex. I mean, with work and kids and household duties, how is it possible?

But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t have sex. It means that we need to make it a priority – like eating well and getting exercise. Don’t believe it’s that important? Studies show that the benefits of sex are at least ten-fold: sex relieves stress, boosts immunity and self-esteem, improves cardiovascular health and intimacy, reduces pain and prostate cancer risk, helps you maintain a healthy weight and sleep better, and strengthens pelvic floor muscles (reducing the risk of incontinence).

Okay, so I’ve convinced you that sex is important, but how are you going to fit it into your already-packed schedule and actually feel like getting it on?

Here are My Six Tips for Hot Sex:

1) Make time for sex.

A Busy Mom's Guide to GREAT Sex

Remember that song Afternoon Delight by the Starland Vocal Band? “Gonna find my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto’s always been; when it’s right, it’s right.” Well that’s my motto, too.

My son has a standing play date at a friend’s house on Saturdays and that’s the time when my husband and I get our sky rockets in flight.

The weekend-away-every-quarter is a new and very valuable addition to make sure we have time to feel really relaxed and connected – which, of course, makes the sex extra hot.

2) Figure out what makes you feel hot and ask for it.

I can take off my clothes and my husband is ready to go. But I need what I call fore-foreplay. I want to feel like I’m wanted for more than my body, and I’ve found that when I set aside time before bed to talk with my husband about something I’m working on, or have him read something I’ve written and comment on it, I feel seen, heard and valued. And there’s nothing hotter than that.

When we’re in bed, my husband and I talk about what feels good and what doesn’t. We’ve learned that we don’t want to waste time fumbling around. The fact is, what felt amazing last week may not this week. We both appreciate a lot of direction and, again, nothing’s hotter than asking for what you want and getting it.

3) Use Zestra.

Zestra is a blend of botanical oils and extracts, like borage seed oil, evening primrose oil, and angelica extract. When topically applied Zestra works within minutes by heightening your sensitivity to touch. You apply it to the clitoris and labia, and the effects begin within 3 to 5 minutes and last for up to 45 minutes. You can find it in any CVS store (sometimes with the condoms, other times with “feminine products” like yeast medicine. Don’t ask anyone in the store – they never know – just look in those two places.). You can also get a free sample by clicking here.

4) Experiment with Toys.

Have you seen the episode of Sex and the City when Miranda introduces her friends to a vibrator named “The Rabbit”? The normally prudish Charlotte initially resists but ultimately succumbs to its charms and her friends eventually stage an intervention to get her out of her bed and into society again.

Toys really can be fun, but they can also set up unrealistic expectations, too. Use with caution or you too may find yourself in this situation:

(Carrie and Charlotte are stretching together in yoga class)
Carrie: (voiceover) My Zen teacher once told me that there was nothing like yoga to quiet a busy mind. Just as I had reached the moment of no thought…
Charlotte: (whispering) I think I broke my vagina.
Carrie: Oh sorry, am I pulling too hard?
Charlotte: No, metaphorically, I mean. With “The Rabbit.”

5) Read Erotica.

I love well-written woman-centric erotica for getting in the mood. Here are some of my favorite titles: Five Minute Erotica (edited by Carol Queen), Best Women’s Erotica and Sweet Life (both edited by Violet Blue). These are smart, sexy, and fun stories that are guaranteed to jump-start your libido, whether you share them with your lover or keep them your sly little secret.

6) Create a Sex Playlist.

Music is a tried-and-true aphrodisiac. Who hasn’t felt a little groovy after listening to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye? Some of my other favorites are “PYT” by Michael Jackson, “Home (This Must Be the Place)” by the Talking Heads, and “The Way I Are” by Timbaland.

If you try all of the above and you still don’t feel like hopping in the sack, you may have an issue with arousal that’s caused by any number of issues (chronic stress and hormone imbalance are two that come to mind).

Sex is too important to your health and happiness to dismiss, and there are plenty of professionals who can help, from a therapist to a health care provider.

Call in the cavalry if you have to, but you shouldn’t go another day thinking it’s “just sex” and not a big deal. So – what are you waiting for? You’re hot. Go get your sky rockets in flight.

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A Billionaire's Best Advice + Your Purpose

Doug's birthday

I mentioned last week that it was Doug’s birthday and I took him away for a romantic weekend at the Biltmore Estate to celebrate!

We were also celebrating something else – an invitation I received to witness first hand the effects of the contributions I’ve been making to Child Aid – a literacy project in Guatemala.

You may have heard the saying, “Givers Gain” and you may have experienced the power of these two words first hand. I certainly have, and here I will reveal what it means for your purpose.

In November I started making contributions to Child Aid because I studied Spanish in Guatemala in 2001 (living with a family and studying at a school) and in 2008 (Doug and a 2 year-old Griffin joined me for that trip!) and I feel a special affinity for Guatemaltecos.

I was thrilled to contribute to Child Aid because I believe that education and especially literacy, is the best way to encourage growth and development in all aspects of society. I plan to contribute as much as I can to their projects – tithing on a monthly basis.

I was happy to donate in an anonymous fashion – simply submitting payment on their website and never expected a personal reply. So I was surprised and delighted to receive an email from the COO of the organization last week.

He said, “I saw your most recent gift come through and wanted to reach out with a special ‘thank you.’ Your trust means a lot to us. If you have an interest in traveling to Guatemala, it would be my pleasure to get you out to see our program and meet our Guatemalan literacy coaches.”

I immediately replied that I would absolutely love to return to Guatemala – and when I mentioned the possibility to Griffin he also said he would LOVE to join me – and now we’re planning our trip for this June!!

So what does this have to do with you and your purpose?

Sir John Templeton, the billionaire investment advisor, was asked time after time for his best financial advice. And every time he was asked, his advice was always the same: he would tell people to tithe.

He said, “I’ve never known anybody who has given away at least ten percent of their income to good causes who didn’t have it coming back tenfold. Just reaching out and helping others brings that energy back to you.”

He went on to say, “Don’t wait until you have a lot of money. Reach out and help someone NOW.”

Whether we have a dollar or a million dollars, we cannot experience our own wealth until we’ve shared it.

giving, tithingAnd when we give – even if what we give is only a small amount by other’s standards – our gift gives us access to our prosperity, just as Sir John Templeton maintained it did. More importantly, though, tithing gives us access to our purpose.

Most of my coaching clients are women in their late 40’s to early 60’s. One of the things they often wonder is if it’s too late for them to find their purpose or do the one big thing that would make them truly happy. They fear they’re just too old.

The biggest problem with that kind of thinking is that it’s rare for people in their 20’s and 30’s to know their purpose. Sure, there are some who do. And they stand out and they can make it easy for us to feel bad about ourselves.

But there are also plenty of examples of women who found their purpose later in life. And I want them to be our models.

Louise Hay is one of my favorite sources of inspiration. She was in her 40’s when she wrote You Can Heal Your Life. And now – at 88!! – she is still rocking her purpose.

Edwene Gaines was in her 50’s when she embarked on her purpose. She’s also in her 80’s now – and she wrote her best-selling book The Four Spiritual Laws of Prosperity, just 10 years ago.

It was Gaines’ book that really helped me to see that I need to take my sticky fingers off the controls when it comes to money.

Here’s what I learned from Gaines’ book: It’s never MY money. It’s God’s money.

If you don’t like using the word God in this context, find something else to use – the Divine, the Universe, Leprechauns or Fairies – it doesn’t matter.

What matters is that when you attribute all the money that comes to you to an outside source, you are acknowledging that it’s not about you – it’s about the work you’re doing.

Ideally that work is in service to something larger than yourself, something that lights you up inside when you do it.

And that work, my friends, is your purpose.

That’s why it’s tragic that so many wonderful, heart-based, spirit-led women I work with feel uncomfortable charging for their work because they don’t feel that they deserve to be paid for the gifts they have to offer the world.

They just don’t think the thing they do very well, the thing that lights them up inside when they do it, is that special or “worthy.”

And that’s why I keep telling them (until it sticks), that it’s not about them, it’s about seeing money as the energy of commitment.

Charging low fees (don’t get me started about not charging or bartering!) yields low commitments on the part of their clients.

But when they charge higher fees, they attract people who are serious about their transformation. And guess what? Those more serious people are the ones who actually get the transformation – they are the ones who know why they need it and commit to making it happen in their own lives.

And when your vision has that kind of impact on someone else, it’s much easier to see how your work – and the financial benefit that comes to you from it – is part of something larger than you.

When you make money in service to something else – a more powerful transformation AND an opportunity to make a significant contribution (no matter how much money you have), you can see it as a source of good in the world.

But if you have trouble seeing your own work in that light, it may help to give money to people who you already see doing good work.

That’s why I love tithing so much. It helps me and my clients see that money, whether given or received, is ALWAYS part of something larger and more meaningful than our culture generally acknowledges.

Whether you have one dollar or a million, I hope you’ll start tithing and see what happens. I believe you’ll be surprise and delighted by what you discover.



Live on Purpose with Stacey Curnow

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A Busy Mom’s Guide to GREAT Sex

March 17, 2015

The photo to the right shows Doug and me enjoying a fun moment during his special birthday weekend getaway at the Biltmore Estate. We had just eaten a delicious meal at The Inn at Biltmore's restaurant and decided to take a walk around the beautiful grounds – and that's where we took the selfie. We…

Read the full article →

A Billionaire's Best Advice + Your Purpose

March 10, 2015

I mentioned last week that it was Doug's birthday and I took him away for a romantic weekend at the Biltmore Estate to celebrate! We were also celebrating something else – an invitation I received to witness first hand the effects of the contributions I've been making to Child Aid – a literacy project in…

Read the full article →

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March 3, 2015

Today is Doug’s birthday! If you’ve been a reader for a while, you’ve heard me wax enthusiastic about how amazing my husband is, but today is the perfect day to honor just how special he is with a recent story. The photo is from a Super Fun Snow Day we had last week – a…

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February 24, 2015

That's a photo of me, Doug and Griffin from last week enjoying a magical winter break at Sugar Mountain, and boy was it SWEET! NC hadn't gotten any snow all winter and then just as we arrived at the ski resort the skies opened up and gave us over a foot of fresh powder!! We…

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February 3, 2015

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That’s a photo of me with my acupuncturist, Sarah Thomas. But calling her a practitioner of acupuncture does not do her justice. You can read more about her here, but suffice to say that she is a brilliant transformational healer. Back in October (2014) she asked me what I needed and I said I felt…

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