When you find yourself appreciating something – at any time, or even multiple times, in a week – I hope you will try to capture it in a note, photograph or any form that strikes your fancy, and send it to us. If you get it to us each Thursday at 5pm it will be included in the next day’s post. (See left side bar for the link to send your submissions.) See this week’s entries below.

If you missed getting in your submission earlier in the week, but would like to chime in now, please leave a comment below! I can’t wait to hear what you are appreciating!

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This week I’m appreciating that my son is studying Tae Kwon Do and loves it. His instructor, Master Morris, told me that Griffin told him, “I want to be a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle when I grow up. Except not the turtle part. Just the ninja part.”

- Stacey

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I am appreciating the wonderful cheerleaders that are giving me so much encouragement to get me through the last few radiation treatments. This white irish skin has had just about enough of those healing beams of light and it’s much harder than I thought to walk in there every day. My husband David, ever insightful, reminded me that the last 5 miles of a marathon are the hardest and that this is my last 5 miles. 8 more treatments to go and then I’m done!! Follow along with me on http://ghentfever.blogspot.com/

- Kathy Troidle Jackson

Every Thursday, we hope that you enjoy “The Joy Factory: Insights on Joyful Parenting (Among Other Things)” by Ruthie Yarme.  More about Ruthie below.

We are in the midst of some big feelings between our kids right now.  I am not sure what brings on this cycle, but more and more arguments have been finding their way into our daily play.

I happen to be an older sibling, so I have a natural understanding of Isabella’s frustrations.  Her complaints: Andre copies her; he “always” gets his way; he “never” gets in trouble; she “always” gets in trouble.  I remember those feelings and “get” that sometimes she feels that her only recourse is to ignore him and emotionally push him away.

As I watch Andre, I am gaining an understanding of the particular challenges of being the younger one.  He just wants to be near her, doing everything that she does.  To Isabella, it is copying.  To Andre, it is adoring her.  From that perspective, being ignored and pushed away breaks his heart and infuriates him in equal measure.

As we were driving in the car tonight, I heard the cycle continue as harsh words and some very vocal frustration began to emanate from the back seat.  Big feelings afoot.

We pulled into our driveway and tried to talk about what was going on.  A year ago (a month ago, maybe even last week), Andre’s frustrations may have culminated in a yelling fit, definitely accompanied by a face squished up to try to appear “mean.”

Yet tonight, he managed to say, “I feel like Isabella doesn’t love me.  She says mean things to me and that makes me mad and it makes my heart hurt.”

Adam and I were both pretty amazed that Andre was able to express his feelings so clearly and openly.  As we moved from car to house, we told him that we really saw how he was able to share his feelings this time and that we appreciated it.

And then, it happened.  Isabella started to cry, feeling that we were giving Andre extra attention and that by praising him, we were criticizing her.  Praise for one means criticism for the other; Attention to one means ignoring the other.

Together, we sat on the stairway, all four of us.  The crux of our problem lay openly before us.  Our children believe that there is a finite amount of attention and love to be had.  Each child “knows” that the other child receives the lion’s share.  It’s all a zero-sum game to them.

Adam asked Isabella if it felt like we were shining a flashlight of attention on Andre.  “Yes, and when you shine it on him, it can’t shine on me.”

I reflected back to her, “Does it feel like there are only ten pieces of love?  Before Andre was born, you had all ten; and now you only have half?”

“No, Mom, it feels like he has even more.”

Before having children, I had a similar understanding of love, so I really heard what she was saying.  And yet, as a mother, I know that love is limitless.  Having Isabella and Andre was like being the Grinch, except that my heart didn’t grow six sizes that day, it expanded to encompass the Universe itself.

It would be so easy if I could just make the Grinch analogy and they would instantly feel loved.  But in order for them to feel it, words aren’t enough.  I needed to tap into that Universe-sized love that I have for them and wait until it was so present that it washed over us all.

From a place of presence, we reflected back to them, over and over.  We let them know that we understood how hard it is to feel like there isn’t enough to go around.  We let them know that we saw their sadness and frustration…that we understood from where that sadness and frustration came.

And somehow, through all of the reflecting, through all of the accepting of their sadness and worry, their frustration and anger, the real truth about love started seeping into all of our hearts.

As we listened, as we were still, as we all sat with the moment (which at times was sad and hard), the love in our hearts expanded and grew, pushing and bulging to the surface, filling the space within us and around us.  Parents listening to kids; kids listening to parents; siblings listening to each other created the space where ten little pieces of love morphed into a universe filled with the stuff.

Before we knew what had happened, we were snuggling and laughing.  Andre wanted me to tickle and hug him.  Next to us, Adam and Isabella giggled and played.   Words were never spoken about the transition from sadness to glee.  We just knew that the transition had occurred and reveled in the love that surrounded us.

Ruthie Yarme is a homeschooling mom, living in Santa Cruz, CA. She delights in walking among the towering Redwoods; watching her dog, Ginger, romp along the Pacific; listening to her husband play music of all styles; and pretty much doing anything with her two amazing gurus, Isabella and Andre.

You can find Ruthie’s essays here every Thursday.  She would love to hear your thoughts on parenting, partnering and joyful living.  Feel free to contact her at yarme@mac.com

Note from Stacey:  The following is an excerpt from my interview with Ije Ude, founder of Soul Powered Solutions for the Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System interview series.  Ije is a totally inspiring businesswoman and single mom, and our conversation covered a lot of ground, including a truly enlightening segment on the things we can learn from going through depression.  Here, though, we’re discussing lighter (though still really enlightening!) fare, as Ije turns us on to her “made-up” system for “Getting Things Done” (I think I’m going to steal it from her!)  For more information on The Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System click here and find out more about Ije below.  Enjoy!

Ije: I so appreciate and love having the freedom (afforded by being an entrepreneur rather than working a 9 to  5 job).  When I have that freedom in my days, and I’m able to just be present and be with my son without being tired – that’s why I do it.

There are marked differences in our days when I’m stressed out or worried or distracted around him, and then another moment when I’m full and rested and in a good space.  The exact same behavior from him will elicit a completely different reaction from me, depending on those things.  I can get triggered and get in a little power struggle with him which obviously isn’t ideal.   And so I enjoy being able to have a schedule that allows me to take care of myself in that way so that I can be there for him and be present in the relationships that I have in my life.  To me, that’s the joy.  That’s what makes me enjoy the process of running a business.  And those little moments make it worth picking up the phone to make that call that I don’t want to, or staying up late working on my website.  All those times when you’re making sacrifices and putting work in, you’re also reminded why you’re doing it, because you get to enjoy the little rewards along the way.

Stacey: Absolutely.  Speaking of the entrepreneurial life – one question I have is how do you stay focused?  Do you have any system or routine that works for you?  I know for myself, systems are the key.  Like “On this day I’m going to be working on this.”  I always set the intention of getting this one thing done, because there are so many demands on my time that I need to ensure that at least those things get done.    So what is your process like?

Ije: I’m a really visual person.  I’ve tried a lot of book-prescribed systems, like “Getting Things Done” or the Stephen Covey planners…. I’ve gotten things out of them, but they haven’t really worked for me.  What works for me is sort of non-traditional, it’s just something I’ve made up.

I like construction paper, and different colored post-its, and different colored pens.  And so I make a visual map for myself.  I write my end goal – and my end goal isn’t to make a certain amount of money or anything like that  – like one sheet that I have up right now is the saying “My greatest gift is my happiness.”  So when I see that, that’s what inspires me, like “Oh yeah, I need to go to yoga.”  Because I know for my happiness, the greatest gift that I want to give those around me… when I go to yoga, I’m happy.  When I read, or write in my journal, it makes me a happier person.  So that’s what I use to calm me, and I have my little goals underneath.

And for my business, I sort of work on 3 main goals, and then I have little post-its with baby steps that I need to take to achieve that goal.  So I put a goal up, and then I find what post-it I’m going to work on, and then I work on it and then once it’s done I take it away.  So the post-its get taken off, and then when I need to add new ones I do.  But it’s great to wake up and have these visuals to remind me why I do what I’m doing, and all of these little baby steps that I need to take.

Stacey: That’s so great!  So let me just go over that again, because it’s not the sort of things that’s in a Stephen Covey planner, or in “Getting Things Done.”  So you’re looking at your wall and you have a colorful piece of construction paper that has the project or the goal on it, and then you have the sticky notes around it that are the tasks that need to be accomplished around that goal?

Ije: Yeah.  I have different sized post-its, and the big pieces of construction paper, which I put my big goals on.  And then under those are the littler post-its with all of the little baby steps.  So one of the things is, for instance, I’m working on an eBook.  So the eBook is on the biggest post-it, and then underneath there are smaller post-its that say like “write the introduction,” “write chapter one,” “get so-and-so to edit” and so all of those go underneath it.

Stacey: That is so fantastic!  I want you to write a blog post about that!  Note from Stacey:  I still want to see this blog post, Ije!

Ije: Okay!

Stacey: I want to see a photo!  That visual would be so powerful, to see what your wall looks like.  And so it’s a great message for the other mamas to take away – as busy mamas, we may not have (or we just don’t have) huge chunks of time. We don’t have huge chunks of time to knock out a project.  We have 15 minutes here and there.  For me, with my kid, it’s like “Okay, he’s watching a video or he’s in the bathtub or he’s with his Dad.”   What I love about your system is that it’s like, “Let me look at my wall and see one thing that I can knock out in 15 minutes.”  So for a baby step I can imagine pulling off that post-it note and… for me right now it would be “Solicit three people to be on the Multi-Passion Mama interview series.”  And I can do that, I can write three emails in 15 minutes.  And that’s how it happens!  I’m so glad that you broke it down, because I don’t have that system.  I’m more like using scraps of paper, or writing something up on the computer.  But I love that visual, and I really think it’s going to resonate with so many of our busy mamas.  These chunks, or baby steps as you call them, just bites that you can take out of the project… those can make sense in an otherwise busy day.

Over the past 13 years, Ije has worked as a health/sexuality educator, HIV counselor, girls empowerment facilitator, local organizer, teacher, trainer, program coordinator, youth educator, curriculum writer, nonprofit consultant, doula, holistic health counselor and program manager.  In the midst of that she survived a severe depression, became a single mother, designed earrings for fun and rode the roller coaster of being a part-time entrepreneur.

She also found like-minded freedom lovers and experimented with 2 childcare collectives, an all-female crew of hip-hop freestylers, a group of aspiring community doulas, and an all-woman crew of socially-conscious filmmakers. As a doula and holistic health counselor, Ije witnessed the magic of birth, healing and transformation.  She learned how to help people create a vision of what they really wanted then inspire them to trust their inner compass to guide them there. To find out more about Ije, go to www.soulpoweredsolutions.com

Note from Stacey: Want to get more support for pursuing your dreams?  I’m offering a very special teleseminar, “You’re a Great Mom. Now What? How to Get Out of Overwhelm and Get Clarity and Traction on Your Goals” on Thursday, September 9^th at 1 pm EST. Register for the FREE call by clicking here - and a recording will be sent to you even if you can’t make it.

I’ve also created The Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System: A Busy Mom’s Guide to Getting Everything Done. Get it here!

Choose a job you love,
and you will never have to work a day in your life.

-Confucius

I recently had my annual hospital review: the over-all assessment was quite positive but I received one evaluation from a colleague who found quite a bit to fault me for. She even said she found me “brusque.”

I couldn’t think of any examples of being brusque, but I imagine I have been often enough that my colleague would feel compelled to comment on it. That’s fine. I’m glad to receive the feedback and I’ll try to be more aware in my exchanges.

I left the meeting with my director more interested in the question, “Why was I not negatively affected by a not-so-favorable review?” I can clearly remember feeling stricken by them in the past (“Oh no! She doesn’t like me!” or “Oh no! They all think I’m incompetent!”), but not so much now.

I think the difference lies in the fact that I have become very careful about how I talk to myself in these situations. Through quite a bit of practice (and multiple setbacks) I have learned not to take judgments from others or myself too seriously. Again, I receive them as feedback—and when I know better, I very often do better.

Later I thought more about the concept of self-talk and how it can be used as either a tool or a weapon and I was delighted to learn of a recent article in Scientific American Mind related to this topic.

Psychologist Ibrahim Senay of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign studies self-talk. Senay believed that the form and texture of self-talk—right down to the sentence structure—might be important in shaping self-concept as well as plans and actions. What’s more, self-talk might be a tool for exerting the will—or being willing.

You can read more about how he tested his hypothesis here, but basically he created conditions so that half of his subjects asked, “Will I do this?” while the other half asserted, “I will do this.”

People with “inquiring minds” were more successful at a given task than the subjects with willful minds. In other words, the former were more goal-directed and more motivated than the latter. Senay hypothesized it’s because questions by their nature speak to possibility and freedom of choice and therefore, meditating on them might enhance feelings of autonomy and intrinsic motivation, creating a mindset that promotes success.

I was fascinated by these findings because I consider myself a willful person—if I say, “I will do this.” I feel that it’s coming from strong feelings of autonomy and intrinsic motivation and they fuel me on toward my goal. If I end up not getting to my goal, I usually acknowledge that conditions were not conducive to success.

If I receive negative feedback or I don’t meet a goal, I’ve learned not to think, “I failed,” or even that it was a failure. (Remember, I believe there’s no success like failure.) In any circumstance, whether it’s a negative review or an unmet goal, I know that I’ve learned something—and sometimes that something is that I don’t like doing what I’m trying to do or that I’m not good at it. No harm there! Then I reassess whether or not I want to create the conditions for success and redirect my energy in that direction or to some other goal.

However, in working with my coaching clients I’ve noticed that some of them experience quite a bit of negative self-talk. They castigate themselves if they say they’re going to do something and they don’t, or something happens that they think doesn’t reflect well on them (like a negative review).

I recently received an email stating just this phenomenon, “My daily struggle with myself continues…self-condemnation about me and how I am and my abilities etc.” The researchers conducting the studies on “wondering versus willing” found this to be common among their “willing” subjects. If a subject had been encouraged to “will” himself to exercise, he said he would exercise not because of all the benefits he would receive, but “because I would feel guilty or ashamed of myself if I did not.”

So for some of my clients, support, encouragement and externally driven accountability are not as helpful because they are predisposed to find fault with themselves no matter what. I’m guessing that asking, “Will I?” in the face of a challenge will help them re-frame the situation, enhance their feelings of autonomy and intrinsic motivation and find success. It could also help them find the good and necessary in any undesired outcome.

Leaving “room for wonder” encourages us to be more kind with ourselves, to practice more self-acceptance, and enjoy successes where we find them. We can learn to decline the opportunity to self-condemn, and embrace every “failure” as an opportunity to stretch and grow and learn and love ourselves even more.

So ask yourself, “Will I complete this project?” “Will I forgive my partner for his transgressions?” “Will I choose to love my precious life more, and condemn myself less?” And leave room to wonder why or why not.

Want to get more support for pursuing your dreams?  I’m offering a very special teleseminar, “You’re a Great Mom. Now What? How to Get Out of Overwhelm and Get Clarity and Traction on Your Goals” on Thursday, September 9^th at 1 pm EST. Register for the FREE call by clicking here - and a recording will be sent to you even if you can’t make it.

I’ve also created The Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System: A Busy Mom’s Guide to Getting Everything Done. Get it here!

When you find yourself appreciating something – at any time, or even multiple times, in a week – I hope you will try to capture it in a note, photograph or any form that strikes your fancy, and send it to us. If you get it to us each Thursday at 5pm it will be included in the next day’s post. (See left side bar for the link to send your submissions.) See this week’s entries below.

If you missed getting in your submission earlier in the week, but would like to chime in now, please leave a comment below! I can’t wait to hear what you are appreciating!

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This week I’m appreciating simple pleasures, like jumping on a trampoline with Griffin and his sweet friend, Cory. (Forgive the fuzzy pics – I was jumping at the same time!)

- Stacey

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In my own life: I appreciate how a woman I met briefly on the “tube” in London England in 1989. Her name was “Francesca of Turin.” She wore a red dress with a matching red wool cape (it was December). At the time I was studying literature and theater and acting in a play at a small theater in Kensington. But every night I was waking up at 3 with poems rushing through my head. I’d have to write them out of me before I could sleep again. At rehearsal the next day, I’d be exhausted. “Francesca” actually approached me in the train car and said to me, “You are conflicted. Choose the thing you love the most, and you lose nothing.” When I arrived in Leicester Square, it was pouring rain and I went into a pub for a cider, I noticed people were walking through a small door in the wall and not coming out. I decided to go in. Ralph Fiennes (before he was famous) stood at the top of the steps. He’d directed a one-woman show called Sylvia, about Sylvia Plath. I bought a ticket, sat down, and when the actor playing Sylvia said, “I’m going to be a great poet,” she looked into the darkness right at me. I finished the run of the play I was in (aptly called Betrayal) then committed my life wholly to poetry. Francesca was right. But I’ve lost a lot along the way to becoming a poet. These losses made a poet. What I lost I was supposed to lose. Today, I’m grateful for Francesca of Turin in her fabulous red outfit.

- Laura Hope Gill

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Today I’m appreciating my sweet friend Bunny, who is really good at insisting that I take breaks!

- Kelly

Every Thursday, we hope that you enjoy “The Joy Factory: Insights on Joyful Parenting (Among Other Things)” by Ruthie Yarme.  More about Ruthie below.

Change is in the air.  On our street, we see the slightest twinge of orange and red in the trees.  The morning fog is gone and sunny days are back (summer in Santa Cruz means fleece and wool hats; fall in Santa Cruz means tank tops and flip-flops.  Go figure!).

Today, Andre started “real” kindergarten (we are now a hybrid homeschooling family!).  And next week, the whirlwind of activities that is our life begins (dance, soccer, dance, swimming, soccer, swimming).

Lately, I have felt the movement from our slow and easy summer flow to a more outward and faster-pasted rhythm.  Guess what? I have the tendency to lose my center more easily the more quickly I move.  Even the anticipation of this faster pace had me slightly off-balance.

From the outside, you might have missed the signs, but I felt them inside.  My monkey-mind was going bonkers.  It wasn’t just the lists of things-to-do that made their hourly calling.  I found myself telling more and more stories that didn’t feel good.  Stories of how my life wasn’t working; stories dreading the busyness of the school year.

Stacey has written beautifully lately about finding the gift in our dissonant feelings (here and in her latest e-zine article).  Inspired by her e-zine article  “How to Reveal the Gift of the Undesirable”, I decided to see if the storytellers who seemed to have taken over my thinking apparatus had a gift for me.

As Stacey recommended, I allowed those storytellers to be heard.  As they spread fear and worry about how busy things are going to be, as they sowed seeds of anger at my helplessness to slow things down, I listened to them without judgment.

I thanked them for their part in my personal growth.  Then, I asked my deeper, wiser self, “What are these stories trying to show me?  What is their gift?”

Not to disparage these kind, helpful storytellers who were really just pointing the way to me, but their gift was found in part due to the obnoxiousness of their incessant talking.  They were so darned irritating, like a thorn hidden deep within, that I had no choice but to look for the source of the pain.

To stop their constant prattle, I found it.  Listening deeply to myself, I knew that the pain came from being overwhelmed and increasingly disconnected (to myself, to nature, to my kids, to my husband, to my source).  If I didn’t pay attention to those storytellers, they would take me on a stint to “Way-Out-of-Balance” Land.  I’d been there before and really didn’t want to return right now.

“How do I want to live my life?”…and “How do I get there?” became the questions inspired by my garrulous storytellers.  Apparently still in touch with my deeper self, I had a sudden inspiration.  I took out a huge piece of paper and wrote (with great flourish) “WHAT BRINGS US JOY!”  I told the kids that I was going to fill it up with the things that bring me joy and that they were invited to join me if they wanted to do so.

I quickly jotted down several of my own joys, “Drawing.  Laughing.  Nature.   Creating Together.  Playing Together.”  Isabella sat by my side.  I asked her if she could read what I had written (first because I had written it in a more adult hand; and second because “nature” and “laughing” are simply tricky to read).

She struggled to read “nature”, so I started to draw a tree (not even making the connection that I had written “drawing” first on my list).  As I drew, she gleefully shouted, “NATURE!”

Then I tried to draw “Laughing” and failed miserably.  Some faces were shouting, some just looked weird.  I finally just told her what the word was and continued to try to make something resembling a person laughing.

Sure enough, laughter ensued.  Face after face after face that looked nothing like laughing had us in stitches.  Isabella finally had a go and nailed it on her first try… which made us laugh even harder.

From there, we decided to draw some pictures of nature and filled a page with flowers and bugs and birds and sunlight.  I looked on the floor near our feet as Andre contentedly made suns out of Tinker-Toys.

After about an hour of drawing (nature and laughing) and doing some laughing of our own and creating together, Andre looked up and asked, “Mommy, can we play a game?”  It seemed the perfect time to put aside what we were doing and connect with all three of us.

I looked at the words I had written, those things that bring me joy (now almost hidden among the countless drawings) and realized that we touched upon every word in the course of an hour or so.  And after that hour, I find myself, once again, filled with joy, connected and balanced.  I even feel prepared and excited for the changes that I feel in the air.  Thank you, storytellers.  Without you, I may not have found myself here.  You did good!

Note from Ruthie:  I am plotting and planning more ways to help myself and others find balance and peace whenever our negative storytellers start their tirades.  I hope to share many of them at our October retreat.  Come join us!  There is only one spot left.

Ruthie Yarme is a homeschooling mom, living in Santa Cruz, CA. She delights in walking among the towering Redwoods; watching her dog, Ginger, romp along the Pacific; listening to her husband play music of all styles; and pretty much doing anything with her two amazing gurus, Isabella and Andre.

You can find Ruthie’s essays here every Thursday.  She would love to hear your thoughts on parenting, partnering and joyful living.  Feel free to contact her at yarme@mac.com

Note from Stacey:  The following is an excerpt from my interview with Get it Scrapped! founder Debbie Hodge for my upcoming Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System interview series.  Debbie and I had a great conversation on families and business (and the ways that the two can successfully be intertwined). The excerpt below is part of a discussion we had after Debbie used the phrase “competitive” to describe her and her business philosophy – she totally turned around the negative connotations that that word had for me!  Stay tuned for more information on The Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System and find out more about Debbie below.  Enjoy!

Stacey: One of the strongest messages I want to get out on the series is that your business won’t look like anyone else’s business, that’s for sure. And if you want to know other people’s “secret” it’s just that they are willing to just believe – “If I keep at it, and keep submitting, and I keep putting stuff out there, I am going to get traction and I will get to my goal.”

And for me the goal was just doing what I love to do and figuring out how to make time for it, because as a mom there will be so many other requests and demands and so many requests made for your time and so it really is about saying, “Gosh, I value this.”  You’re the first person use the word competition, and I realized that I don’t think I’ve ever said that way.  I think I found a different way of saying it, like willful or tenacious, but no, it’s good!  Saying that, “Gosh, you know, I think that I have good work to put out there and I think I’m as good if not better than someone else.”

Debbie: Right.

Stacey: I mean, why not?  Again, I don’t think so much in the competitive sense that “If I don’t do this, then I’m not going to get my chance,” like there is only enough room for one person in the spotlight.  I really think that there are just so many opportunities.

Debbie: Like I said, I’m pretty open to all the people who do the same thing I do because my website is pretty narrow in its focus – we’re really practical, we’ve got a small team and really – anytime anybody says “I’d watch out for the other guy” or whatever, I don’t ever feel worried about it because I think it just grows the market. I like to do puzzles. I like to solve things.  So it’s a real challenge. I did well in school, why can’t I do well in life?

Stacey: Absolutely! I love it. We have kind of associated that idea of competition with a bit of a negative connotation, but the way that you say it – there’s no negative connotation attached to it! Like “I just really believe in myself, I believe I can do well and it’s going to work out.”  I love that, and let’s do that, for sure, because it’s really positive, obviously.

One of the questions that I’d wanted to really ask was, so how do you make sense of all of your passions? I remember you wrote back to me that the scheduling aspect is the challenge. And I get that, and I think all moms do because, again, there are so many requests made of your time. But you also seem to allude that when you do create that list or that schedule, you find that things flow a little bit more easily, is that true?

Debbie: Yeah, I think that’s why I’m having a hard time right now with the summer. It’s so humid, my brain is muddy and everybody is around and schedules keep changing, so it is a little harder.  But I get up before everybody in the morning.  I was the first to bed last night, and I woke at 2am and my husband was asleep but there was a hall light on. And so I got up; my 14-year old was awake watching TV, chatting with somebody on his Xbox headset. And we had gone to the pool late at night so I guess my 11-year old fell asleep on the sofa so that’s why the light was on, he was asleep downstairs.

But it’s great – I get up at 5:30am and they’re all asleep till like 9:30 or 10 o’clock. So that’s a huge buffer of time for me to get, that’s like my key time to get things done.

Stacey: That’s awesome. So do you that, have you always been naturally an early riser or was that a decision that you made?

Debbie: I think I have, yeah. When I got my MBA many years ago I started for some reason getting up really early because I had a nice little office at the business school, and I think I kind of liked going in there – I had a nice computer! And then when my sons were really young I was working on a novel, and the morning was the only time that my brain would be sort of fresh.  But I’m not always well organized. You know, I let my list slip sometimes and then I just end up usually playing catch up. I tell my family that I need, you know, a solid chunk of time, like from 5 in the evening until late the next day.  I need like a day and a night.

Stacey: Exactly, but what you’re saying is that in the summer time there may be less concrete scheduling, but your family is so understanding. And I think that scenario only ever exists in a household where everyone’s needs are generally attended to.  You can ask for what you need because you’re often willing to give to your sons and husband when they need something.

Debbie: And my 14-year old worked with me this afternoon. He can put posts up on Word Press and I’m working on this theme series, and I needed some quotes about gardening and needed a list of hallmark images and so…

Stacey: And he helped you with that, that’s so great! Have you been priming him for a while or it was this just something…

Debbie: I have! I wish he had a little more ambition and drive, because I feel like I could teach him so much, because I know a lot of technical stuff too. But I don’t want to push him. That’s one worry, as a parent, that I don’t push my kids so much.  But as I mentioned, we’re not a family with a lot of routine.

Stacey: But that’s okay! I’m always going to go down saying that that’s how I wanted to live my life. I mean, look at you – gosh, you wrote fiction and you worked in a corporate business and then you created your own business because it made sense and because it was a passion of yours – and so I just think there is no better example to show to your kids.

So again, I would just say more power to you and your family because I love the example that you’re setting.  Thank you so much for that.

P.S. from Stacey:  I’ll be hosting a free preview teleseminar for the Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System next week titled: “You’re a Great Mom. Now What? How to Get Out of Overwhelm and Get Clarity and Traction on Your Goals.”   The call will be on Thursday, September 9^th at 1 pm EST (10 am PST) and you can register for it by clicking here.

Debbie Hodge is founder of the scrapbooking website and business, Get It Scrapped! She has an MBA with a concentration in operations management. Combine that skill set with her study and practice of creative writing for almost two decades and you get someone whose passion is showing you how to organize your memories and photos to make great-looking scrapbook pages that tell awesome (and meaningful!) stories.

You can find Debbie’s work in Get It Scrapped! from F+W Media, and e-books Embellishing with Alphas and Every Little Thing at Designer Digitals. She was a contributing editor to Memory Makers Magazine, and her scrapbook pages and articles have appeared in scrapbook magazines that include: BHG Scrapbooks Etc., Memory Makers Magazine, Simple Scrapbooks, Creating Keepsakes,  Scrapbook Trends, and Scrapbook Answers.

If you’re looking for some of her scrapbook pages, you’ll find a ton of them in her gallery at DesignerDigitals.com where she’s on the Creative Team.

Debbie lives in seacoast New Hampshire with her two sons and econ-professor husband where she does a lot of writing, scrapbooking, puzzling, and playing Settlers of Catan.

There are two ways of spreading light: to be the candle or the mirror that reflects it.

~ Edith Wharton

As Joko Beck, an American Buddhist nun, writes in Everyday Zen:

So a relationship is a great gift, not because it makes us happy—it often doesn’t—but because any intimate relationship, if we view it as practice, is the clearest mirror we can find.

I don’t spend much time looking in a mirror these days. Like many women, I’m sometimes unhappy with what I see—the signs of sun damage, for example. And my neck—let’s just say that when Nora Ephron entitled a book, “I Feel Bad About My Neck,” I knew exactly what she meant.

Fortunately, I’m pretty adept at looking at what I do like, and there’s plenty there, like a warm smile and a strong body with lots of energy to do the work I love. But looking in a mirror also reminds me to take better care of myself, especially to be more diligent about applying sunscreen.

In a similar vein, if I think of a relationship as a mirror, and I don’t like what I see, I think it’s a great opportunity to be more diligent about applying self-love. In particular, it’s an opportunity to take responsibility for my own feelings.

One of the least true phrases in English is, “That made me feel bad when it happened.” We say it so often because we think that something or someone makes us feel a certain way.

But what if we decided to tweak our thoughts, so that instead of thinking, “That made me feel bad.” we think, “That helped me feel bad,” and “That thing”—whether it’s a natural disaster or a domestic downturn—“helped me feel powerless or unworthy of love”?

Thinking about it in that way qualifies as self-love because it opens our hearts and minds to the possibility that we can act to make things better.

For example, one of my clients had a conflict with her lover this week: after it was over, she bemoaned the fact that she acted badly. This in turn led her to become distraught when her boyfriend didn’t respond to her contrite messages. And so, later, after they had resolved their conflict, I suggested that she ask for his help in the future.

She could say, “When we have a conflict in the future, it would help me if we took a break as soon as we notice we’re getting stuck. When I feel better, I’ll send you a note and it would help me if you let me know you got my message shortly after I leave it. You don’t have to respond with anything more than that. I respect your need for time to process your feelings. I look forward to talking with you when you are ready.”

Thinking about things in that way puts the responsibility squarely on us to make it right. We can ask what we can do to help—and there is always something we can do. And we can ask others for what they can do to help us.

We can apologize and make amends if we transgress. We can remind ourselves that we are learning and growing, and we are going to make mistakes along the way. We can remind ourselves that we are worthy of love and acceptance no matter what.

And so in the mirror that is our relationships, we are often presented with the image of ourselves as vulnerable, as victims. As people whose happiness depends on certain behaviors from the people we’re in relationship with—and, too, often, as people who have chosen to be in a relationship with someone destined to disappoint us. But as in everything else, we have a choice: we can always shift our focus, see something different, and put everything together into a different story.

And once we do that, we will look in the mirror and begin to see someone strong and independent, someone capable of making our relationships everything they can be. And there’s no greater gift we can give ourselves or the people around us.

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