What I Learned From My Bad Review

I recently had my annual hospital review: the over-all assessment was quite positive but I received one evaluation from a colleague who found quite a bit to fault me for. She even said she found me “brusque.”

I couldn’t think of any examples of being brusque, but I imagine I have been often enough that my colleague would feel compelled to comment on it. That’s fine. I’m glad to receive the feedback and I’ll try to be more aware in my exchanges.

I left the meeting with my director more interested in the question, “Why was I not negatively affected by a not-so-favorable review?” I can clearly remember feeling stricken by them in the past (“Oh no! She doesn’t like me!” or “Oh no! They all think I’m incompetent!”), but not so much now.

I think the difference lies in the fact that I have become very careful about how I talk to myself in these situations. Through quite a bit of practice (and multiple setbacks) I have learned not to take judgments from others or myself too seriously. Again, I receive them as feedback—and when I know better, I very often do better.

Later I thought more about the concept of self-talk and how it can be used as either a tool or a weapon and I was delighted to learn of a recent article in Scientific American Mind related to this topic.

Psychologist Ibrahim Senay of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign studies self-talk. Senay believed that the form and texture of self-talk—right down to the sentence structure—might be important in shaping self-concept as well as plans and actions. What’s more, self-talk might be a tool for exerting the will—or being willing.

You can read more about how he tested his hypothesis here, but basically he created conditions so that half of his subjects asked, “Will I do this?” while the other half asserted, “I will do this.”

People with “inquiring minds” were more successful at a given task than the subjects with willful minds. In other words, the former were more goal-directed and more motivated than the latter. Senay hypothesized it’s because questions by their nature speak to possibility and freedom of choice and therefore, meditating on them might enhance feelings of autonomy and intrinsic motivation, creating a mindset that promotes success.

I was fascinated by these findings because I consider myself a willful person—if I say, “I will do this.” I feel that it’s coming from strong feelings of autonomy and intrinsic motivation and they fuel me on toward my goal. If I end up not getting to my goal, I usually acknowledge that conditions were not conducive to success.

If I receive negative feedback or I don’t meet a goal, I’ve learned not to think, “I failed,” or even that it was a failure. (Remember, I believe there’s no success like failure.) In any circumstance, whether it’s a negative review or an unmet goal, I know that I’ve learned something—and sometimes that something is that I don’t like doing what I’m trying to do or that I’m not good at it. No harm there! Then I reassess whether or not I want to create the conditions for success and redirect my energy in that direction or to some other goal.

However, in working with my coaching clients I’ve noticed that some of them experience quite a bit of negative self-talk. They castigate themselves if they say they’re going to do something and they don’t, or something happens that they think doesn’t reflect well on them (like a negative review).

I recently received an email stating just this phenomenon, “My daily struggle with myself continues…self-condemnation about me and how I am and my abilities etc.” The researchers conducting the studies on “wondering versus willing” found this to be common among their “willing” subjects. If a subject had been encouraged to “will” himself to exercise, he said he would exercise not because of all the benefits he would receive, but “because I would feel guilty or ashamed of myself if I did not.”

So for some of my clients, support, encouragement and externally driven accountability are not as helpful because they are predisposed to find fault with themselves no matter what. I’m guessing that asking, “Will I?” in the face of a challenge will help them re-frame the situation, enhance their feelings of autonomy and intrinsic motivation and find success. It could also help them find the good and necessary in any undesired outcome.

Leaving “room for wonder” encourages us to be more kind with ourselves, to practice more self-acceptance, and enjoy successes where we find them. We can learn to decline the opportunity to self-condemn, and embrace every “failure” as an opportunity to stretch and grow and learn and love ourselves even more.

So ask yourself, “Will I complete this project?” “Will I forgive my partner for his transgressions?” “Will I choose to love my precious life more, and condemn myself less?” And leave room to wonder why or why not.

Want to get more support for pursuing your dreams?  I’m offering a very special teleseminar, “You’re a Great Mom. Now What? How to Get Out of Overwhelm and Get Clarity and Traction on Your Goals” on Thursday, September 9^th at 1 pm EST. Register for the FREE call by clicking here - and a recording will be sent to you even if you can’t make it.

I’ve also created The Multi-Passion Mama Productivity System: A Busy Mom’s Guide to Getting Everything Done. Get it here!

Tagged as: acceptance, Mindfulness, Resilience, success