Every Thursday, we hope that you enjoy “The Joy Factory: Insights on Joyful Parenting (Among Other Things)” by Ruthie Yarme. More about Ruthie below.
Conflict, anger, frustration, disagreement, judgment, sadness all came home to dwell within me after a challenging interaction with a friend today. I mentally pushed against it and pushed against it and pushed against it, until I realized that I needed a new tactic (all that pushing had me exhausted).
So, I called for help. “Hello, Pema…..?? Are you there? Do you have anything to help me today?”
Pema Chodron has gotten me out of many a sticky situation in the past; I knew that I could count on her. Since I don’t have her telephone number or email, I decided to see if she had left any messages for me on google. As luck would have it, she did!
Thankfully, Pema and Alice Walker let me join into their conversation at the Shambhala Sun.
Me: I am feeling so negative, Pema, and can’t break free. How could she think that I…Blah, blah, blah?
Pema: There’s nothing wrong with negativity per se….there is a lot you can learn from it…it is a very strong creative energy….The problem is negative negativity, which is when you don’t just stay with negativity but spin off into all the endless cycle of things you can say to yourself about it.
(Man, she had me pegged and was totally right. My monkey mind had taken over. I needed to see what I could learn from this negativity. But I was so busy telling stories about it, I couldn’t just sit with it.)
Me: OK, I am clearly telling a story of blame and victim-dom. I think that I can quiet it down and listen. Proceed.
Pema: In vajrayana Buddhism they talk about how what we call negative energies—such as anger, lust, envy, jealousy, these powerful energies—are all actually wisdoms in disguise. But to experience that you have to not spin off; you have to be able to relax with the energy. So tonglen…was my entry into being able to sit with that energy.
Me: Tonglen?…tell me more, Pema…(Pema here invited me to her page at the Shambhala Sun).
Pema: We begin the practice by taking on the suffering of a person we know to be hurting and who we wish to help….Then, as you breathe out, you send the (person) happiness, joy or whatever would relieve their pain. This is the core of the practice: breathing in other’s pain so they can be well and have more space to relax and open, and breathing out, sending them relaxation or whatever you feel would bring them relief and happiness.
Me: So, you want me to breathe in for my friend, huh? OK, I’ll try. (Breathing in her suffering, breathing out happiness. Thought arises). Hey Pema, why am I doing this for her? She is the one who hurt my feelings. I am the one who is misunderstood here and so darned angry.
Pema (with a smile): We often cannot do this practice because we come face to face with our own fear, our own resistance, anger, or whatever our personal pain, our personal stuckness happens to be at that moment.
At that point, you can change the focus and begin to do tonglen for what you are feeling and for millions of others just like you who at that very moment of time are feeling exactly the same stuckness and misery. Maybe you are able to name your pain…So you breathe in for all the people who are caught with that same emotion and you send out relief or whatever opens up the space for yourself and all those countless others.
Maybe you can’t name what you’re feeling. But you can feel it —a tightness in the stomach, a heavy darkness or whatever. Just contact what you are feeling and breathe in, take it in —for all of us and send out relief to all of us.
Me: OK, here I go again. I am feeing angry and misunderstood and silenced and wronged and….oh, you think that is probably enough to focus on right now. OK, now I breathe in for that part of me who feels angry and misunderstood and silenced and wronged.
And I breathe in for all of the people who are (at this moment) feeling the same way….Wow, there are a lot of us. What a bunch of big feelings we are all having. OK, now I send us some light and joy.
Breathing in the suffering, breathing out the ease. Hey, Pema, I feel it. I really do. My heart feels open again, soft and warm.
By trying to see my friend’s suffering, I ran face-to-face with my own. And yet, sitting with that suffering part of me (loving it, breathing with it, connecting with that place of suffering in my friend and others), freed me of it. Thank you, Pema!
Pema (smiling again): Rather than beating yourself up, use your own stuckness as a stepping stone to understanding what people are up against all over the world.
Breathe in for all of us and breathe out for all of us.
Use what seems like poison as medicine. Use your personal suffering as the path to compassion for all beings.
Me: Thanks, Pema, for always being there when I need you. You did it again. Putting you in my gratitude journal tonight!
Ruthie Yarme is a homeschooling mom, living in Santa Cruz, CA. She delights in walking among the towering Redwoods; watching her dog, Ginger, romp along the Pacific; listening to her husband play music of all styles; and pretty much doing anything with her two amazing gurus, Isabella and Andre.
You can find Ruthie’s essays here every Thursday. She would love to hear your thoughts on parenting, partnering and joyful living. Feel free to contact her at moc.camnull@emray
{ 5 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Ruthie!
Oh, I love this! I will definitely put “Tonglen” in my toolbox! I am so grateful for these tools! Just yesterday I went into a contentious meeting with my administrator and colleagues about scheduling issues. I did a “loving kindness” meditation for everyone in the room before I went into it and although the meeting was still challenging, it really helped me feel peaceful. And now, even though, I’m still looking at an “undesirable” schedule change, I still feel peaceful. Here’s to knowing that we always have the perfect tools for any stressful situation…and to knowing that Pema Chodron is only ever a phone call away!
Much love, Stacey
@ Stacey:
Thanks, Stacey. I had a blast imagining her sitting with me, sharing her immense wisdom and loved implementing it with such wonderful results. Good stuff!!
Wow … did I need to hear this today. Challenging as this may seem I am willing to give it a go. I do often feel isolated with my feelings forgetting that there are surely more out there going through the exact same doubts. Thank you for this reminder and remedy!
Wow! Thank you so much for this! I love the idea of this Tonglen practice—what a wonderful way to understand suffering! I love the idea of expanding your own suffering out into the suffering of other people because it takes the focus off me, me, me—which is usually my focus when I’m being grumpy and angry! So great! I will definitely try this!
@ cindi:
@ Nicole | Blue Bicicletta:
Thank you both so much for sharing your enthusiasm for tonglen! I am so glad that you found something that may work in each of your worlds. I found it to be so powerful. I was even able (after sitting with my own feelings) to see the suffering that was my friend’s and hold her in love and compassion, too.
You are right, Nicole, it does take the focus off me, me, me (and at the same time, allowed me to have more compassion for me!!). If you use the meditation, please come back here and let me know how it was for you! Again, thank you for joining the conversation!
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