One of my coaching clients recently went through a divorce. She has worked hard to get to a place where she can appreciate all the good that came from the relationship.
Her teen-aged daughter is foremost in her appreciation. But it is also in relation to her daughter that she struggles with the most persistent difficult feelings related to her ex.
You see, the ex is now withholding emotional and financial support from his daughter. My client sees that her daughter is hurting as a result of her father’s neglect and she wants to know how to best support her.
Although on the surface it may look like the problem is the no-good ex and the daughter’s hurt feelings, the solution lies deeper. In any event, we probably won’t be able to “fix” the ex’s behavior or the daughter’s hurt feelings.
Granted, it is wonderful when people do the right thing at the right time, but if they don’t, it is our responsibility to make peace with the present situation. The way to do this becomes clearer when we appreciate that circumstances don’t determine our happiness, but our thoughts about the circumstances do.
Byron Katie’s Loving What Is provided me with the tools (what she calls “Inquiry”, or the “The Work”) that became a key for me in identifying and letting go of my stressful thoughts. I have learned that I can be happy or, at the very least, peaceful in any conditions.
I still have stressful thoughts but I know that it is my thinking that is the problem, and not some unpleasant person or situation.
To do the “Work” you ask yourself four questions.
- Is it true?
- Can I absolutely know that it’s true?
- How do I react when I think that thought?
- Who would I be without that thought?
And then you do what Byron Katie calls “the turnaround.” You try to imagine yourself in the position of the person you have judged, or whose situation causes you distress.
It is sometimes challenging to do this, but you will have huge awakenings when you can. In fact, you will often find that you have also transgressed — or are also suffering — in some manner similar to people or situations you have judged.
In this instance I encouraged my client to do the Work on the stressful thought, “My daughter is wounded because her dad will not be ‘there’ for her — emotionally, psychologically, financially — as other dads are for their kids. She does not get how he can be so detached and unavailable. She is hurting.”
I asked my client to investigate those thoughts by applying the turnaround. Suddenly “My daughter is hurting” became “I am hurting…I can’t get how he can be so unavailable to our daughter.”
I know that even if you see the truth in this realization, you may be wondering how it helps my client to see her own suffering in this situation — and especially how it helps her daughter.
It helped because seeing her own suffering allowed her to exert control over her own feelings. She now had the power to find a better-feeling thought, or do the work again to explore her own feelings toward the ex, or even talk things over with a trusted friend.
In all of these ways she could come to accept the situation without judgment. And whenever we accept a situation without judgment, we experience more peace and we can offer greater emotional support to those who are suffering.
In short, by recognizing and letting go of her own negative feelings for her ex, my client will have more energy to care for her own needs and those of her daughter.
She will be able to validate her daughter’s feelings — whatever she says is troubling her — and say “I know this is really hard right now. You and I both wish your dad “got” what an amazing person you are and wanted to celebrate and support you in every way.”
When her daughter’s feelings were validated she could then say, “I know you will find your way. You have everything you need inside you to be happy no matter what the conditions and that is more important than anything else.”
Her counsel would come from a completely authentic place because she has found this to be true for herself.
Of course, maybe none of this will take away her daughter’s hurt. But again, we really can not “fix” anything for anyone else. We can only let go of our own stressful thoughts and hope that by doing so we are more present and available to help others in their suffering.
We can shine a light for others on their path only after we have done the same for ourselves.
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Stacey…I was trying to explain “The Work” last night and for some reason, couldn’t get out the right words, or find the easiest to understand example….going to forward this on to my friends!! You nailed it!!
Hi Ruthie! Thanks so much for letting me know you think I nailed it! It *is* tricky to convey how compassionate The Work is to *everyone* involved in a conflict. But I continue to be amazed at how helpful it is in resolving a crisis!
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